In The News: Taxes Happy Fun Time

This morning I read an intellectual newspaper called The New York Times and was excited when I learned that New York Governor David A. Paterson has called for an increase in taxes on a variety of items. While cutting down on a $4 billion deficit sounds pretty important, I'm more interested in what this tax plan will do for people like me, namely, people suffering from over-sized alimentary canals. You see, although Gov. Paterson is blind, the man has an inner eye, or insight, which allowed him to create this infallible plan. Here's the idea:

1. Soda Tax: By taxing Coke and Pepsi, Gov. Paterson forces us to either drink Diet soda, or to drop sugary drinks from our diets entirely. God bless this man. I can feel myself slimming down already!


2. Boat Tax: Simple logic; Gov. Paterson knows that if you own a boat, you're more likely to serve your guests a fancy drink, like ice cold Coca-Cola classic, than a bland, healthy drink like Coca-Cola Zero. I think we can all sacrifice a new yacht for a healthier lifestyle. Right? Also, if we're lucky, we'll see a slash in illegal soda importing. Remember: when you buy under-the-table soft drinks, you're aiding terrorist plots in Guatemala, which actually reduces the amount of diet kola beans produced every year. That's the only way to make Diet Pepsi.


3. Fur Tax: With all the cold weather, it's easy to splurge on a mink coat or a manly coonskin cap, but in the end, it may do more damage than good. Purchasing an elegant fur may seem disconnected to our addiction to caffeinated beverages, but Gov. Patterson knows better. He knows soft drinks are made from the same animals who lent us the skins off their backs to make those beautiful garments. But what if there were a tax preventing us from fueling the animal-killing business, therefore reducing the amount of soda being produced per year. Hey, Nobel Prize Committee, we have a winner.

Some people are complaining that Paterson doesn't want to increase income tax for the wealthy, and why should he? OK, more money I guess, but who's out there everyday working their butts off to perpetuate the success of yoga, grass shots, and and all-around healthier lifestyle? You don't see me shopping at Whole Foods, do you? If we start taking all the money from the rich, us middle-classers will have nothing to aspire too. Besides, my doctors says I can't live like this too much longer, so thank you Gov. Paterson for taking the initiative to save my life!